Spiritual Companions Guidelines - Unpack
This page provides a more detailed explanation of the Spiritual Companions Guidelines
SPIRIT/TAO
Regularly connect with, experience and explore the wonder of existence
The foundation of spirituality is surely the personal experience of the beauty and wonder of creation. This is a normal and healthy experience that belongs to everyone whatever their background or beliefs. For most people, there are special moments when we have a heightened sense of this connection. These are triggered in different circumstances and times for different people, but the core experience is always similar.
In sociobiology and evolutionary psychology, it is suggested that this experience is built into our cellular make-up because our physical bodies, cell-by-cell, share the very same atomic stuff that makes up the rest of the universe. Interconnectedness and a sense of unity are part of our nature.
As spiritual companions, each in our own way, we have a regular practice – at least daily – of creating the time and space to pause and be in this spiritual connection and experience.
We also work consciously with the experience to deepen and explore it, so that it is not just a fleeting recognition of our minds and hearts, but so that it is allowed to become a full body sensation. We pause long enough in the experience so as to surrender and yield to it, so as to allow its sensation to land as a felt body experience. Put in another language, we want to experience the full incarnation of spiritual experience. It is about consciousness and embodied experience.
Appreciate that all life is in a continual process of emergence and are comfortable with unknowing
The reality is that we simply do not know or understand how the universe came into being, nor its purpose. This is a grand mystery. The world’s great mystics of all traditions agree that ultimately it is a mystery and incomprehensible. Nevertheless they also affirm a universal common experience that the essential nature of creation, even with the suffering endured and inflicted by humanity, is benevolent.
They also assert that life is in a state of continual flux, emergence and change.
Nothing is static. Once, for example, there was no earth or humanity. Everything – galaxies, civilizations, religions, us – come and go. Any spiritual attitude of dogma and certainty is therefore contrary to the whole moving marvel of creation. Certainty can be psychologically understood as an emotional defence mechanism, which hinders personal growth and may be socially destructive.
Spiritual companions, therefore, seek to relax into the flux of ongoing change and creation, and embrace life’s paradoxes. We feel comfortable asserting that we do not comprehend. We take comfort, for example, from the Jewish mystical tradition of Qabalah, where the process of creation is described through a Tree of Life made up of spheres. The top sphere represents the highest aspect of divinity and creation, but above this sphere are three half circles, sitting like hats upon it. The lowest of these three is labeled The Unknowable. The second is labeled The Absolutely Unknowable. And the uppermost is labeled The Absolutely Completely Unknowable.
EMBODIMENT AND HARA
Are grounded and centered in our bodies (described in eastern traditions as being in our hara, lower dantien; in western traditions as embodied)
Increasingly recognized in modern western spirituality, but a foundation of eastern and shamanic spirituality, is the suggestion that human spirituality needs to be embodied and present. We know only too well how people who claim to be spiritual can be up in their heads, purely in their romantic hearts or spaced out of their bodies. These instances are often accompanied by denial, awkwardness and sometimes cruelty towards physical and everyday reality.
Especially when supporting others, there is a need for the other person to feel that we are fully present as a comforting, physical being.
In many tribal and mystic traditions embodiment is often symbolically represented by a cauldron, chalice or grail; or by a tree with strong trunk and deep roots. These cauldrons and trees of life represent the human body, the vessel or vehicle that contains spiritual consciousness.
In Chinese and Japanese traditions, this embodiment is described through the concept of hara. Hara, located in the lower abdomen, is considered the physical center of gravity for the human body and by extension the seat of one's internal energy (qi). Taoism and the teachings of martial arts, tai chi and chi gung expressly assert that our physical awareness needs to be experienced and anchored in the hara. Without hara, there is no stability, no calm, no physical presence, no strength. In old English it was called ‘bottom’ or ‘seat’.
Most people instinctively sink into their hara when content and fully relaxed. A child who has been lovingly reared will have a natural ability to be in hara. A pregnant woman sinks naturally into her hara. It feels like a warm, relaxed centre in the abdomen.
Nervousness, anxiety, shock and trauma lift people out of their hara and out of their bodies.
As spiritual companions, we practice being permanently in our hara and embodied. There are many exercises for achieving this. One of the simplest is to allow your stomach to relax and sink; breathe softly into your abdomen; simultaneously have an attitude that smiles down into your body. All martial arts – external and internal – have strategies for inculcating hara into their students.
Can still at will
The wild flux of existence expresses itself as a caricature, a comic book cartoon, in human society – in ever changing emotions, feelings, thoughts and reactions. To varying degrees we are all hooked into this stimulation and irritation. It is crucial therefore that we develop the skill – at will – of coming to centre, of being calm and balanced in our hara. In situations of crisis and stimulation we instinctively centre ourselves. We have various techniques for achieving this, but their outcome will always be relaxed breathing and the ability to watch and assess what is happening.
Can assert clear boundaries and intervene, when appropriate, to stop abuse
A useful definition of abuse is any action – physical, energetic, emotional or mental – that intrudes into someone’s space without their permission. It is important that companions have the strength of character and courage to set boundaries against such intrusions for themselves and for others. There is a tendency in some spiritual cultures for people to become overly passive and submissive, and inert when abuse is happening that can be stopped. There is no merit in meditation or a quiet spiritual attitude when someone nearby is suffering or being abused.
ENERGETIC WELCOMING
Provide a non-intrusive, welcoming, healing and holding presence
There is a beautiful and subtle art form in human relations, which is that of being able to give someone a warm and reassuring welcome, whilst not intruding upon them with inappropriate intimacy. This is reception at its very best. The mind and heart are open, watchful and aware. Yet, at the same time, there is no demand of any kind that the other person should communicate, relate or reciprocate. There is no expectation or emotional need that the other person behave in a certain way.
As in the Hindu greeting of namaste – my soul greets your soul – we consciously focus on the heart and goodness of those whom we meet.
This form of welcoming includes a calm radiance that comes from our hearts, minds and hara. It is a psychological and emotional attitude. It is a feeling and sensation in our bodies, which translates into a healing magnetism of warmth, which helps people feel safe and at ease.
Especially when an individual or group is in distress, this ability to be a healing presence can be amplified through the strategy of ‘holding’. Here we expand our hara, heart and mind so as to encircle and embrace the situation with a calm and healing acceptance. Again, there is no expectation of any reciprocal or appropriate behaviour. This strategy requires a conscious use of the imagination.
Many people instinctively go into a holding attitude and magnetism when comforting a companion who is in distress. If ever you have calmly held a hurt creature in your cupped hands, you know exactly what this ‘holding’ feels like. In tribal societies, a major role of elders can be to ‘hold the field’ at gatherings when contentious issues are being raised.
In a space that is well held, the safety we create allows the creative eruption of difference and argument, as well as the discharge of anger and sadness. The skill that we practice here is both psychological and energetic.
Enable sacred space
When we walk into a temple or church, or into a magical landscape space, the atmosphere and ambience make it easier to enter into spiritual experience. Sacred space is any space that has this enhanced atmosphere and there are many tried and tested ways for deliberately creating it. These include cleansing ceremonies, meditation and the lighting of flames. Informally, sacred space can also be created by the charisma of one’s own presence, through a respectful awareness of the spiritual dimension in all things. As spiritual companions, we are familiar with the basic techniques for cleansing and blessing spaces, and use them in our homes and spaces where we work. We do this in a relaxed and good-humored way.
Celebrate diversity and welcome the many different paths of spiritual development
We genuinely recognize and celebrate the many different ways of expressing and developing spirituality. Of course we affirm the paths of the different faith traditions. We also recognize the different cultural styles of spiritual approach, ranging from the still silence of meditation and contemplation through to the single-mindedness of fiery devotion and the ecstatic throb of dance and music.
There is a huge variety here and though we ourselves may be more personally comfortable with one or another particular style, we nevertheless are willing to stretch way beyond our normal comfort zone to welcome and be stimulated by foreign modes.
This celebration of spiritual diversity, of course, goes hand-in-hand with a more general celebration and welcoming of cultural diversity that includes gender, sexuality, ethnicity, age and class.
COMMUNITY
Are engaged citizens, actively dedicated to social and ecological health and honoring the spirit in all beings
One of the core dynamics of spiritual experience is our sense of connection with all life and that we are part of one coherent interdependent system. Within that experience there is an instinct to live in harmony with the natural world and with the various communities to which we belong. This is expressed through behavior that is harmless, does good and is actively engaged in supporting our fellow beings in all kingdoms.
As best we can, we therefore seek to achieve a life style and livelihood that harms no other living creatures and respects the sacred in all life. Minimally our homes are ecologically and environmentally as harmless as possible.
We are also actively engaged in one or more community or neighborhood projects that are outside our normal work. This can take various forms such as school governors, local politics, involvement in a charity or community project, and so on. It also minimally means being aware and supportive of one’s immediate neighbours. For some people, their major citizenship engagement will be regular and focused prayer and meditation work.
Are aware of local resources
As engaged citizens we are aware of the local resources that can enhance and support ecological, social and spiritual development. This ranges from education and arts through to healthcare and therapies. We build this awareness both for our own authentic sense of community and also so that we can refer appropriately when necessary.
PSYCHOLOGICAL/EMOTIONAL
Self-reflect and manage our behavior, health and development with compassion, love and wisdom
Self-reflection and self-management are cornerstones of a stable spiritual practice. Each in our own way, we take regular time to pause and reflect on our own development. We monitor and assess our behaviour and attitudes so as to guide, develop and transform them. We recognize that we are in a process of ongoing education and look for the best opportunities to stimulate and expand us.
We recognize too the crucial link between mind, spirit and body – and seek wherever possible to be our own doctor and our own best medicine. Minimally, we take care of our diet and regularly exercise. We listen to our bodies and act appropriately
The discipline and purposefulness of daily reflection is balanced with an emotionally literate attitude of compassion, personal acceptance and growing intelligence. We understand that any attitude of shame, blame or guilt triggers a toxic hormonal and emotional response. The development of this wise and accepting attitude towards our own suffering translates into a deeper ability to empathize with and support others.
Possess a sense of humour
Pomposity, certainty and cruelty are obvious shadow aspects of spirituality and religion. If there is one behaviour that fully demonstrates our ability to self-manage our spiritual shadows, it is a good sense of humour. We don’t mean cynicism or sarcasm, but we do mean the ability humorously to look at and joke about our own most dearly held beliefs. At the same time we respect that other people may not feel so relaxed or open about their own beliefs.
‘Humour is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humour; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.’ Aristotle. ‘Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humour to console him for what he is.’ Francis Bacon.
Are emotionally literate and transparent about our own processes – actively seeking and welcoming feedback from others
Spiritual development is impossible without increasing self-reflection and self-management. Our shadows, hungry ghosts and suffering need to be brought into full consciousness and accepted into a process of integration. A simple definition of ‘emotional literacy’ is the ability to be aware of and then manage what we are feeling and how it influences our behavior and attitudes.
At the same time, it is important that we are congruent in how we present ourselves to other people. There is no purpose in hiding our humanity, our shadows and pain. In fact, to pretend or to pose that in some way our spirituality lifts us above human weakness is hypocritical, unintegrated and potentially dangerous. As spiritual companions, where appropriate, we feel comfortable sharing and talking about our own personal challenges and difficulties. This also builds bridges and community with all our fellows who share these pains too.
More than that, from a place of inner stability, we understand that we may well miss or unconsciously avoid seeing the truth about ourselves. We therefore warmly welcome feedback from others. As well as being good for us, this models to others an authentic and enthusiastic self-reflective will to grow and fulfill. It also levels the playing field, because if we have formal social roles as educators, therapists, healers or mentors, this may separate us from the warmth and authenticity of genuine, democratic relationship. We do not allow ‘spiritual companionship’ to become a social role that we wear.
Understand the psychological challenges that occur as the everyday self emerges into spiritual consciousness
In harmony with a deepening experience of the wonder of existence, spiritual development is also about the emergence of new consciousness and thus of a new identity. So it is that on the long journey of transformation and integration, we meet psychological challenges and resistance.
Psychodynamically, the primary challenge is that the survival mechanisms of the everyday persona – the social-psychological identity – often dynamically resist change. They are programmed to survive.
If the process of spiritual change is too fast or if we do not possess the skills and wisdom for self-managing, the likelihood is that we will experience a threat to our everyday self and will engage in all kinds of defensive maneuvers – pomposity, mild delusion, narrow-minded devotion, unrealistic certainty, defensiveness etc. Any of these behaviors might become grossly exaggerated.
If the threat to everyday identity is traumatic, then we may experience more intense problems such as alienation, fragmentation, identity crisis and breakdown.
At the same time, spiritual experience brings with it an increasing connection with the energy and vitality of spirit, also know as chi or prana. If we open up to this divine vitality too fast, we may experience uncomfortable sensations in our nervous and endocrine systems, including within our brains. These are sometimes called ‘kundalini’ experiences, drawn from the descriptions in Ayurvedic healthcare. Our nervous systems may be unable to integrate the rushes of spiritual experience and we may experience a number of crisis symptoms, which formal medicine might interpret as the beginnings of a psychotic episode or a full-blown psychotic breakdown.
All of the above may manifest in a range of symptoms ranging from physical distress through to what looks like mental illness.
From a spiritual perspective all these symptoms are not pathological – ie inherently bad – but are inevitable stages of spiritual development and indicators of growth, albeit too rapid and unmanaged. The spiritual approach is therefore optimistic and sees these challenges as growth crises and birthing processes.
To one degree or another, in one form or another, most spiritual companions have personally experienced these problems and feel an added empathy towards others traveling the same track.
In the first place, we work to understand and integrate them in our own development. Our approach – to ourselves and others – is that of compassionate presence and holding.
Can take responsibility, apologise, forgive and receive forgiveness
Being human is a true paradox. At one level we are neurotic apes driven by biological instincts to survive. At another level we are capable of sublime cosmic consciousness. Strung out between these realities, our behaviour is often confused. Over and over again, we hurt others and we get hurt. With the best will in the world, we stumble and inflict and receive damage. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune can leave deep and stinging wounds.
One of the great gifts of spirituality is the instinct for compassion and healing. And one of its most fundamental manifestations is the practice of apologising, forgiving and receiving forgiveness. This is never meant to condone or encourage the repetition of abusive behaviour. It is however one of the most effective strategies for the relief of suffering. The abilities to accept responsibility, turn the other cheek and display generosity of spirit are all fully demonstrated in the practice of forgiveness.
Listen with care and enable people to clarify and own their own psycho-spiritual development
Appreciating the general framework of spiritual development and its natural challenges, our default position as spiritual companions is to provide a warm, accepting and reassuring presence. As Voltaire once commented, ‘Doctors entertain their patients, whilst nature continues with the cure.’
We realize the importance of silence and not interposing into any dialogue our own notion of where it should go.
We are fully aware of and practice listening skills and appreciative enquiry. If supporting someone in clarifying and understanding their spiritual process, we fully understand the need to allow people to own and feel empowered about their own spiritual process.
Know our personal and professional limitations and are able to refer appropriately.
As spiritual companions we make no claim to any professional expertise, status or qualifications – though we may well have these in parallel. We fully understand that we may not have the training or skills that are needed to meet the needs of our companions.
We know how to recognise the early symptoms presented by someone who may be going into a crisis that requires further support. Sometimes it will be appropriate to refer our companions on to a third party. We therefore keep ourselves up-to-date on the general trends of holistic therapy and education, and, as part of our local citizenship, we are aware of relevant resources for referral. When in doubt, we willingly talk with fellow spiritual companions to get advice.
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